Jokes Thread

[JohnD]

[size=1.45em]Total Control[/size]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9nDB4kQVyw

[bitsnpcs]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4m9y0su54o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jpUnPkCxzg

[newtusmaximus]

To save server space and maintain speed, a few punch lines.
A) You can't have your kayak and heat it.
B) A Vole and his bunny are soon parted.#
C) Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise  over a mild green hairy lipped squid.

It's the way I tell them!!

[ptyerman]

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
;D

[MohamedKhaled]

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
;D

omg, you made me hilarious ... whos the genius with this idea...

PS: i wish if others would know this ..then our market share would be almost 89%

[ptyerman]

Good one isn't it? It's an old one that from the Windows 98/NT days, still relevant today though.

[ptyerman]

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT ACCEPT AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE I HAD TO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY GOT ON MY NERVES.

ALSO HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MAY BE CONNECTED TO THE FEET I HAVE TO KISS TOMORROW.

HELP ME ALWAYS TO GIVE 100% AT WORK...............................

12% ON MONDAY
23% ON TUESDAY
40 % WEDNESDAY
20%THURSDAY
AND 5% ON FRIDAY

AND HELP ME TO REMEMBER..................

WHEN I AM HAVING A BAD DAY AND IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WIND ME UP, IT TAKES 42 MUSCLES TO FROWN, 28 TO SMILE AND ONLY 4 TO EXTEND MY ARM AND SMACK SOMEONE IN THE MOUTH.

[MohamedKhaled]

it's on imgur .... wasn't able to BBCode it as it wasn't uploaded by me ... funny though
https://imgur.com/gallery/DXx8UCH

[MohamedKhaled]

Another one

https://imgur.com/gallery/tkweQ


OMG IMGUR IS AMAZING ... NOW THAT'S A ONE I WASNT ABLE TO PERSIESTE (PS comments are more hilarious than the post itself :LOL
https://imgur.com/gallery/Qqsml

[rokytnji]

Been awhile. Here is one I like.

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.